A guest edit by Sophie Corke
Throughout the pandemic, I have become more aware of the fundamental issues with millennial dating, an area that so many of us find difficult to navigate (even at the best of times). Our modern approach to dating is such a dramatic contrast to previous generations in the not so distant past. Social media has increased the pool of individuals available to us, which has led us into developing arguably more superficial, short lived connections. We seem to have lost sight of, or perhaps no longer think about, what is required to actually build a lasting, meaningful connection with someone.
We all consider our phones to be our primary method of communication, and these hold to some, the same level of importance as an internal organ (certainly some people use them as a replacement brain). It is only natural that our relationships, like other areas of our lives, have also gravitated online. The ease of meeting people online echoes the immediacy of modern living. But instant messaging has also made it so much easier for us to end relationships. We can abruptly cut off communication, or initiate the 'slow fade' of taking longer and longer to answer messages in the hope that the other person will eventually 'get the message' and move on. I myself have been guilty of this in the past, and it's certainly not something I'm proud of.
When I talk to my parents (now in their sixties) about the modern phenomenon of ghosting, they're horrified. In their generation, you couldn't simply end a relationship with someone by severing all communication (excluding stalkers and axe murderers). Imagine if this was how we ended face to face conversations or connections in real life:
Jack – "How are you?"
Amy - *swiftly turns around and walks away, never to be seen again*
The idea is so ridiculous it is comical. But, as it is so easy for us all to hide behind our screens, ghosting has now become an 'acceptable' way of ending things. You don't have to see or deal with the possibility of watching the other person's feelings be hurt. In reality, it is widely acknowledged that you actually end up hurting the person more and doing more damage. As millennials, we seem to have forgotten that we are all owed an explanation and the common decency of honesty – after all if the situation was reversed, isn’t this what we would want from the other person?
We have also invented an intricate set of rules when it comes to messaging. If we are interested in someone, we are encouraged to 'wait at least half an hour to text back' so as not to appear too keen, but not too long or they will think we aren't interested. This is despite the fact that we are all glued to our phones 24/7 and the person on the other end is likely to know you have seen the message. Again, this would be a ridiculous thing to do in a real life conversation if the person was opposite you. Keenness, or genuine affection, seems to be considered a turn off when in the past this would be what we were looking for and welcomed with open arms. I have been guilty of this too. When people have shown sincere interest in me it has left me feeling unsure or turned off. To appear aloof to keep the person guessing is somehow appealing to us, when maybe this should be a sign of emotional unavailability.
My housemate and I have recently raced through the entire 94 odd episodes of the 90s classic, Sex and the City. Although I'm not sure how Carrie Bradshaw and co pick up men on a seemingly daily basis (although hats off to them – any tips welcome), it has got me thinking on the accessibility of potential romantic interests today. In our parents and grandparents era, meeting someone they not only fancied, but who was also single and got on well with, was rare. You wouldn't expect to have potentials lined up for you everywhere you went. Therefore, when a friend introduced you to such a person, or you met them in a bar etc, you would think "I feel excited about this person, this is new" and really put in the effort to see where it went (provided they felt the same of course). They put in more effort, because they didn't know when or if someone like that would come along again.
Nowadays in comparison, dating apps mean we have a line-up of singles constantly available at any time of the day, from the comfort of our own homes. Even if we meet someone great, how do we really know when there are so many other options available to us? Are they the one or could we do better? Is there someone else out there who is a better fit, more attractive, or shares more of our hobbies? As millennials, we are constantly looking for an instant spark and wondering "if the grass is greener". When the initial excitement wears off, instead of putting in real effort to truly connect with the person on a deeper level, we end things and move on to someone else. In reality, we often find that the grass is not greener, and become exhausted by the constant search for something better, not really having built a proper lasting connection with anyone. Our thirst for instant validation has made us impatient and thus unwilling to work through issues within the relationships we do manage to form. We seem to have the skewed idea that true love should be effortless and having the tiniest of problems is a sure sign that we should ‘swipe left’ on another partner. The chase has become more exciting than the prize itself, but without hard work and dedication, we are unlikely to win it. You will find that statistically, the millennial generation is one of the loneliest out there, and this is no coincidence.
Sex is similarly so available to us now, we have become obsessed with it and it seems to me to be the favourite topic of any conversation. One of the first questions I hear people asking each other after they have slept with someone is: was he/she good in bed? Whilst I suppose it is a valid question, surely in assessing whether someone is labelled "good" or "bad" we need to take into account factors such as: "did they ask me what I liked?", "did they put in effort?", "were they willing to try something new?", "how experienced are they?". What we don't seem to realise is that all of the above requires the old fashioned art of communication, and putting in real effort with the other person. We so often look for a 'quick fix', and expect everything so instantly we fail to realise people's true potential or even put in the effort to find out. A friend of mine has been told consistently that she is good in bed and when we discuss this, she says it's because she's very involved with the other person, will ask what they like and make sure they know what she likes as well. I am left thinking - surely this should be the norm, not the exception? Is the bar really that low?
After many years of resisting the mere idea of trying a dating app, as a symptom of lockdown boredom, I downloaded one. As I was scrolling through, I came to realise how we all seem to be waiting for this perfect individual to come along and sweep us off our feet. One man in his bio had written a list of all the qualities he expected in a woman he might consider: they had to be funny, smart, kind, naturally beautiful, independent (but not too much), sporty, low maintenance... The list went on. Looking into his profile a bit closer, all I found were three rather mediocre pictures and a peep show reference. I was left thinking he was expecting a five star hotel but was only offering this ideal woman a second hand tent in return. I admit that this was judgemental of me as I don't know him and he could have had plenty to offer, but it highlighted to me how much we expect from someone we would even consider dating. Surely to attract these amazing people with all the traits we are looking for, we should strive to become the best versions of ourselves in order to meet their level? Instead it seems we are expecting our dream man/woman to land at our feet without us having to lift a finger.
On a more superficial level, romantic films, tv shows and social media have encouraged us to expect a perfection which, shock horror, doesn't really exist. Many celebrities (and indeed many others) post pictures on social media which have been edited to within an inch of its life, brightening their eyes, blurring over that spot on their cheek and any other noticeable imperfection. They may have recently stepped out of the BOTOX clinic, and caked another layer of fake tan on the night before, the list goes on. It never ceases to amaze me the value which both men and women place on these "ideal" versions of individuals, seemingly not realising they are fantasising over a person who isn't real. In fact, in many cases if you saw the real person you might be in for a shock. We idolise these people and see them so often that we come to think this is what a normal person looks like and expect this when it comes to dating. Our imperfections have become a turn off instead of what they should be seen as, part of our individuality.
The result of these Millennial dating trends and ways of thinking, is that many of us are sadly unsatisfied in our love lives. We are waiting for a perfect individual to come along, sweep us off our feet whilst sitting at home swiping endlessly on dating apps. We are not putting in any effort to truly connect with someone, because we expect everything to happen as quickly as casting a spell in Harry Potter. Modern dating trends have many advantages, it has made it easier for us to meet new people and widened the pool available to us. However, the cost of this is perhaps that we now have too much choice, leaving a dating culture where we are constantly moving from person to person to get our next quick fix. Dating has therefore become, increasingly, dysphoric.
Sophie is a Trainee Solicitor, currently on secondment with the Nursing and Midwifery Council. A regular agony aunt, she is a close friend and one of the first people I go to for advice.
