A Truth Universally Acknowledged

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single [woman] in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a [husband.]"

Valentine’s Day is coming up and I thought, therefore, that this is would be the perfect time to explore where our societal fascination with dating comes from. Why is it that, as a single heterosexual woman, the first question I am inevitably asked by friends or family members I haven’t seen in a while, is whether there are “any men in my life?” 

From a casual gander at the magazines that grace our shelves and online outlets, it seems we are bombarded with endless dating tips and tricks to ‘play the game’, lists of dating DOS and DONTS, how to make a man interested, why he isn’t interested…because by god what is wrong with you if you cannot attract a partner?! 

We are sold the idea from a young age that having a partner is extremely important. Take The Game of Life for instance. Once you reach a certain point on the board, it is a requirement that you must marry, as is also expected in the real. Still today an unmarried woman of a certain age is looked upon as sad or lonely by everyone else. They have wasted their life by not starting a family which unfortunately is still looked upon as a woman's end goal. 

In our childhood fiction, princesses are rescued by men- they must wait in their towers to be freed like good little girls, to be freed by knights trained to save damsels from their feminine plights rather than save themselves. This is an idea that continues into the mainstream: we are taught that women are not women without men. 

When I was younger, I remember a common assumption was that my friends and I would be married by 25 and have kids by 28 latest- after condensing an incredibly successful career as a Hollywood starlet (of course) into a meagre 7 years, if I had taken into consideration three years of training (drama school being the natural starting point in the UK) and the fact that we knew our lives would be over after kids (an idea that is still perpetuated in today's media even though there are career women everywhere showing this to be a falsehood.) Revisiting this idea at University I came to the startling realisation that I would have had to have met my life partner already and so I was now running way behind my earlier expectations of my predicted life. Proving that once again, I was a failure at love. 

Similarly, I realised that an awful number of my conversations with some of my female friends surround relationships and the same questions that pop up in our marketed reading material. 

I have had close friends whom, it seems, can talk of nothing but the person they are seeing/the ins and outs of their dating experiences: "Why isn’t he texting me?" ..."He said this but what does it mean?”... "Why doesn’t he want to be with me as much as I want to be with him?" or when they aren’t seeing someone, conversation constantly surrounds a hypothetical relationship: their main drive is (and I am paraphrasing in this instance for effect) "I want to have someone in my life.” And to be perfectly honest, the whole thing is exhausting. Both the conversations and the thoughts that drive them. 

I don’t want to pretend that I haven’t queried why I am single and expressed a desire to not be alone, but I have begun to note that the fact that if all of *our* efforts are focused on someone else or a potential someone else, we no longer have the time or energy to focus on ourselves. 

Friendship-wise, I also feel that at times that these conversations can be at a detriment to your actual relationship. Yes, as good friends, we are meant to support one another and act as a soundboard for any concerns you or they have. As with anything, however, there is a balance to be struck. Constantly venting creates a relationship which is built on assisting your friend rather than a mutual support system- this puts incredible pressure on the other party. They are not your relationship councillor and do not have all the answers. 

The question of whether I have a man in my life comes up far more than it should. It is often asked by friends who are in relationships, doled out with a large helping of patronising smugness with the implication that they are lucky enough to be a ‘we’ instead of just my lonely ‘me’. Likewise, I have found that this question also translates to my work environment. I often tell colleagues that I am going out to dinner after work (with friends) and the immediate assumption is that I must be going on a date to which I reply in the negative, much to their obvious disappointment.   

The extreme pressure that both of these instances put on the single party in similar conversations, makes us feel as though we are at fault for not having a partner or date and in turn participating in the social assumptions surrounding women. If I want to talk about who I am seeing, I will instigate a conversation about it but until that happens stop- or at least limit the amount you ask me and others like me. 

I am trying to make a real effort to not ask people I know who are consumed by their relationships or just busy dating about their situations. I’m not yet perfect, but I am trying and that, I think, is all we can ask.